Hardest Post

In a way, this hardest post has two meanings. For those of you who have ever built a fence, you'll understand my analogy. Sometimes you encounter a post that for some reason, is just harder to set than the others. Perhaps it's because the ground is harder there, or sometimes it's the post-the piece of fence itself. Well, that's what I am. I am the hardest post. The Lord has tried to put me where I needed to be, but because of my stubbornness, He had to work harder to get me where I needed to be. When building a fence, you can always get that hardest post in the ground, it just takes a little more effort, a little more sweat, a little more work. The hardest post is me, but it is also how I feel about this post. This is the hardest post I've ever made. It has taken me several days to finally sit down and type it. Not because I question the decision, but because I know how it affects everyone else. While it may be hard for me (though I've made it harder than it had to be), I know it can be and is harder for others.
In order to fully understand the outcome, I'm going to share some personal things with all of you. I'm doing this more for myself than for anyone else though. It reminds me of what I already know, and it helps me to heal. You all already know how I feel about St. George. Being away is hard. I miss my friends and family there so much it is painful at times, but the Lord has blessed me as I've turned to Him for comfort. It is my desire to be in St. George. For quite a long time now, that has been my strongest desire-which was wrong. My strongest desire is now, and must always be to do the will of the Father. If I had not been so stubborn, perhaps I would have realized my folly before it became so painful. But, as with most things, I had to reach the absolute bottom of the pit before I realized I had fallen so far. I was in a free fall, spiraling out of control. I was depressed, angry, and resentful. I had let Satan wrap his fingers around me and pull me down. The worst part is that I knew it and I wasn't even fighting. I just gave into it. I was so consumed with moving back to St. George, that I wasn't being the kind of wife and mother that I want to be, that I MUST be. I was absolutely miserable, because I was HERE instead of there. Then something started to happen. A little bit of light started to break through the blackness with which I had encompassed myself in. I started to get little pin-pricks of realization. That I was the one responsible for being happy-that it wasn't the fault of where I was. I read some friends blogs that talked about how the only thing we can really ever give the Lord is our will, and about how important it is that we do that. Then another about confusing hope with faith, and that "faith is taking that first step into the darkness, and hoping the light will follow." So I was thinking about that, and then a friend came over and saw me in all my "glory" (I'm sure it was pitiful) and she told me that I needed to snap out of it and be happy. She understands completely how I feel, because she too was there not long ago. So I accepted her advice, and for the first time in a while, I let go of some of the darkness and let in the truth that was being pushed at me, and I cried. I cry a lot, but when I was allowing the feelings of anger to stay with me, I didn't feel the range of emotions that I normally do, and for about a month, I hadn't cried. So the emotional flood gates opened, and I purged (cried-a lot). It was very cleansing, freeing myself from Satan's grasp. Then I was finally in a place where I was humble enough to truly turn my will over to God (not an easy thing to do), and then the most amazing thing happened. I felt peace. For the first time in SUCH a long time, I felt peace. The burdens that I had been carrying around (because I was too stubborn to let them go) were gone. What a difference it has made in our home, in our family, in me.
I realized that this is where the Lord wants me right now, or else I wouldn't be here, and that this is where I need to be happy at. Mike's boss has talked to him about making him a manager here, and it would be good for us. We're going to stay here for a little while. His company is opening another D.C. in the northwest in 2010, and Mike would like to transfer as the DP manager there and open that D.C. He has a really good shot at that if we stay here until then. So that's what we're going to do. And I'm going to be happy here. I still get sad sometimes, because I get lonely for my family and friends, and it still hurts sometimes, but I can bear it now. The Lord has eased the burdens which are upon my shoulders even that I cannot feel them. (Mosiah) I know that this is the best decision for my family, and I know that the Lord will bless us as we do HIS will.